Day 100 and 101

The weekend went by in a hurry.  Ordinarily our weekends are joyous and full of adventure.  This weekend would find me perhaps as sad as I have been since we departed the United States of America.  Homesick?  NO.  Things in France are becoming quite normal in fact.  The source of my sadness would be the departure of my best friend to parts unknown.  It is probably a statement about my emotional growth that I would refer to an 8 year old boy as my "best friend", but his departure for the week would cause a dramatic void in my life.  This is not meant to be a slight to my lovely wife or youngest son, but the bond I share with my eldest is something I can hardly describe.  We are the same side of the same coin.  Since his introduction into this world, he has been my constant companion.  I believe in the 8 years I have known him, we have never been apart for longer than a week at a time.  I can probably count on my fingers and toes the number of nights we have not spent under the same roof.    He has been my wingman for most of the best adventures in my life and the rock that we anchor our life to.  I have carried on about him in a number of writings in the past, but his absence brings me back to the this subject once again.  I hope one day, when I am dead and gone, he will read back through this work and know how much he was loved by his father.  I am his hero and he is mine.

My children are quite different indeed.  And for that reason I would argue the following.  My youngest has captured my heart, while my eldest has captured my soul.  My affection for my youngest is a reflection of my loving affection that I have for my wife.  Like my wife, he is the Yin to my Yang.  We are opposites, he and I. It is the diversity of our personalities that draws me to him like a moth to a flame.  My eldest however, is my shadow.  Like looking into a mirror, I see myself, both good and bad.  Upon him I place more demands.  Unfair and unyielding.  These are the same demands I place upon myself.  Like the best part of me, he has never failed or given in.  His strengths are my strengths and together, we can carry the heaviest of loads.  Our bond is unspoken and he is now at an age that my demands upon him are met with equal demands upon me as his father.  I have tied a great deal of my identity to his and for that reason, when he is gone, a piece of me has gone with him.  That piece is the best part of me and I feel lost without it.

I know that there will be a heavy price to pay for this in the end.  One day he will leave.  One day, he will not care to pay homage to my throne and I will be forced to set him free.  I do not look forward to this day, and at 8 years old, that day seems all too close for comfort.  I know I cannot keep him young forever and there will be days to come when we will not see eye to eye.  It is the way of things with father and son.  For now, I cherish the time we share and look forward to his return, content in the knowledge that if I have done my best, he will continue to share his greatness with me long after he feels obligated to do so.