Day 186 through 191

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick

The exceedingly frenetic pace of my full time job as a part time single father of two has once again kept me from writing or painting much of anything over the past several days.  Once again, life finds my wife out of town during a stressful period in our lives.  This in fact marks the second day of school of my young lads at the French private school we have enrolled them in.  Her absence was indeed noted on my end and I found myself quite angry with her as the first day of school approached.  Once again, my selfishness knows no bounds.  The truth is, being gone is harder on her than it is on those left behind.  Having to miss out on these days, stressful though they are, is far worse than being the one here to watch it all unfold.  I realized that being irritated over someone else’s loss is foolish and short sighted.  The slight inconvenience that I experience simply cannot compare to the alternative.  I tossed and turned for most of the night last night, trying to sort it all out in my mind. I have come to one incontrovertible conclusion.  I love my wife.  It is in that simple statement that this project began and it will likely be how it concludes, for she is my beginning and my ending.  I exhaust my mental capacity when I contemplate the words to express what she means to me.  To that end, I intend to dedicate this entry to her.  To prevent this from becoming a horrible hallmark moment, I am going to put my love for her into the following words . . . She is my forgiveness, my savior.  She is my ego defeating, daily gut check, slap in the face that keeps me from inevitable self destruction.  Without her, I cannot breath.  The greatest gifts I have ever given her have been these simple words.  I have perhaps cloaked them in more flowery prose, but the sentiment remains the same.  I am as “in love” with this woman as the day we were wed some 11 years ago.  The real difference is that I “love” her more still.  Perhaps this makes little sense, but as one gets older you begin to realize that which is truly important is that which isn’t as easily identified.  I still have that “always thinking of you” excitement for her as I did in my youth, but what is underneath is far more important to me.  I would gladly lay down in traffic for this woman.  I would walk to the ends of the world for her only to be demanded to return once more without question.  The pendulum that is my broiling psyche swings wildly when she is not with me.  She brings me peace.  She brings me order.  She brings me balance.

I have referred to this in prior posts, but the attraction of polar opposites could not be more true.  She and I are nothing alike and yet exactly alike at the same time.  She likes to work, I like to play.  She loves science and I failed Chemistry (joke in there somewhere).  She is a little bit country and I am a little bit rock and roll.   Somewhere in the middle, however, we are one.  In the 11 years we have been married, we have nourished each other with those opposite values.  I now appreciate a hard day’s work and she appreciates a hard day of play.  She tolerates loud music and I own a cowboy hat.  She loves science and I still suck at Chemistry.  Some things, afterall, never change.  While my bravado continues to feed my ego by referring to myself as a trophy husband, my lack of meaningful foliage atop this tree and withering stature don’t compare with her beauty.  She is more striking than the day we met with hair of flame and eyes as blue as the ocean deep.  Behind those beautiful eyes however, is the wisdom of time . . . an understanding of my failings and my strengths.  This is what makes her my wife.  I miss her terribly when she is gone, but am glad for her to leave.  It is often these absenses that make me appreciate that which I don’t make note of on a daily basis.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days in which I hate her as much as I love her and most days she doesn’t find me funny, but in the end, we find the perfection in each other and that is all you really need.

In keeping with this theme, I feel compelled to describe the days she has missed in hopes that if she reads it, she will feel closer to home.  The final days of summer break were absolutely unremarkable.  I asked the boys for any special requests and none were proffered.  Perhaps that is a sign that they are ready to get back to business.  Monday was soon upon us and early Sunday bedtimes were complied with which made the early Monday rise a bit more tolerable.  Both boys seemed keen to get the day started and the morning routine flew by in an instant.  I was indeed more nervous than the lads and I think they knew it.  I did my best to quell this feeling to bolster their confidence, but in the end, their grounded demeanor kept me from losing my composure.  We arrived at the school early, which proved to be a mistake.  One of my wife’s colleagues met us at the school as her children had attended this same school and she thought it might be helpful given my mediocre control of the language.  It was in fact very helpful as the place was a madhouse and I would not have had a clue where to go or what to do, had her experience and knowledge of the institution to point me in the right direction.  The courtyard was full of families seeing their young ones off on their first day and the sound was deafening.  Unfortunately, the process took almost two hours and by hour two, my youngest had lost interest in the process and was begging to return home.  The eldest was of course unruffled by any of it and stood patiently waiting for the day to begin.  I held the youngest and attempted to sooth his aching soul as the eldest lined up to enter his classroom.  He quickly disappeared and it was soon the youngest’s turn to take this journey.  He clung to me tightly when his name was called.  I walked him into his class, sat him in his chair and abandoned ship.  Not a word was spoken as his anxiety was felt by his instructor and she began to ruffle her hands through his hair and speak kind words to him as I walked away.   French words, but universally kind all the same.  I could tell that the two had an instant bond and he was well tended.  I went about the remainder of my day in the quiet solitude that hadn’t been graced our home in many weeks.  It was strange to not have them with me and I missed their company.  Don’t get me wrong, I now understand why stay at home moms are so glad to see their children back to school after a long summer break.  It is like tending to wild woodland creatures.  They are fun to watch, take pictures of and feed . . . for awhile.  Eventually, however, they turn on their trainer and someone gets their face eaten.  Always remember, don’t feed the bears!  The second day was met with less drama still.  The first day had gone well and the only one that felt the sting of the beginning of school was yours truly.

I had homework . . . a lot of it.  Forms to fill out and administrative details to attend to . . . I was busy translating these gems till well into the late evening hours.  I figured MOST of it out and will have to seek out a native speaker to sort out a document or two which made absolutely no sense even after translation.  The beginning of day two was met with strife followed by a smile.  The youngest is getting all too independent and was not keen on the clothing I had selected for the day.  We fought for most of the morning and I was certain I was going to have to send him bareassed to the school house and let them figure it out.  After an hour or so of intense negotiations, we finally agreed on an outfit and left the house.  We arrived at an appropriate hour and the boys were both very excited to get on with their days.  A manly fist bump to the eldest and a sneaky forehead kiss for the youngest had them off and running to scholastic glory.  All is well and we await Mom’s return on Wednesday, our day of rest.  No school on Wednesdays.  I know what you are thinking, only 4 days of school?  Seems easy enough until you take into account that they attend school until a quarter till 5 each day.  That is a full day’s work for a 4 year old.  The last piece of news to share is that we FINALLY are set to have our internet installed on Friday.  I know this to be the case, because I have the equipment in my hot little hands and have and English guy coming to do the installation.  I am excited to get back online and continue this project in full swing.  Take care until then.  R.