Day 185

Two Men Enter . . . Only One Man Leaves.

For those of you that truly know my wife and I, you should be well aware of our general distaste for the process of sorting and then folding socks.  I believe that is our aversion to this process stems from our deep need to avoid witnessing tragedy.  It is an occurrence that is as mysterious as the Great Pyramids of ancient Egypt.  It plays out all over the world in a gladiatoresque fashion.  Two men enter, but only one man leaves.  It is a riddle that has left me scratching my head for years, but I think I am on the verge of solving one of life’s greatest riddles.  Where do all the missing socks go?  They go in the wash a happy couple, but leave separated, wondering why they were paired up to start with and dreading the pending alimony payments.  The tragedy of loss is almost more than I can stand to witness on a daily basis.  Valiant soldiers, shot down in their prime.  Missing in action.  Gone, but not forgotten.  It seems an unfair reality, that it is always the best of them that are lost.  The quitters and the faded few always remain, while those that hold fast under the most rigorous abuse are always those that are plucked from us at their prime.  White, Grey, Blue or Black . . . it matters not their creed or color.  None are immune from this terrible fate.  For years now I have blind

ly placed the blame on the Mason’s, but I think I have finally uncovered the truth, or at least a clue that will lead me to the end.  I have my suspects, those that are likely the major players in this wicked little game.  I want to make you aware of them, so that you may do your part to thwart their evil scheme.  Like an FBI wanted poster, I will run through them one by one.  If any of you have any information leading to the capture of these criminals, I urge you to come forward and contact your local law enforcement agency.

Suspect # 1

Name:  The Fitted Sheet

Alias:  “The Unfoldable”

Description:  The scourge of the laundry basket, this shape shifting hellion can’t be captured by conventional means.  He gathers followers and victims in his 4 cornered grasp and won’t easily let go.  He is generally sloppy in his appearance, but when pushed and stretched can clean up quite nicely.  He is suspected of a variety of criminal endeavors and could be a “cover” man for his co-consirator Static Cling.

Suspect # 2

Name:  The Duvet Cover

Alias:  “The Sandman”

Description:  This lovable, but mischievious character will lull you to complacency with his charms, but be on guard because his voluptuous nature is all consuming and he is suspected to be the mass murder of the laundry room.  An entire load of laundry can go missing into his depths without a trace.

Suspect # 3

Name:  The Washing Machine

Alias: “The Cyclone”

Description:  The cold mechanical nature of his personality makes him a hard guy to like.  Standing at about 3 feet tall, he is heavy set, noisy and caucassian.  He fills his big mouth with filth and was last seen lurking along the wall in your basement.

Suspect # 4

Name:  The Dryer

Alias:  “The Heat”

Description:  This hot head will cut his victims down to size if left unchecked for too long.  With a similar build as his accomplice “The Cyclone”, they can easily be mistaken across a crowded room.  He can be found hanging around in the same dark recesses of your basement laundry, but smells like a flower and nothing but clean talk comes out of his mouth.  The born again criminal of this seedy underworld, he allows “The Cyclone” to do all of the dirty work.

Suspect # 5

Name:  Static Cling

Alias:  “The Iron Claw”

Description:  Many believe Mr. Cling to be the “Big Boss” in this organized crime family.  Always there.  Hiding out of sight and waiting for his next victim.  No one has ever seen him, and no one ever will.  Some lucky survivors have reported being ensnared in his trap only to witness a spark of light and then he is gone. 

This crime family is thought to be the source of countless missing persons reports.  Missing socks, shrunken shirts and drawstrings that won’t ever be the same.  Again, I beg of you, if you have any information as to their whereabouts, perhaps we can work together to rid ourselves of this plague.  That is all I have for today.  Take care.  R.