Day 169

Decapitation by the Wilkinson Sword

The day was a lazy summer day with weather that could not have been scripted even in a storybook.  The sun was shining between scattered clouds with temperatures that I would guestimate to be in the upper 70s or low 80s.  With a cool breeze in your face, it was hard to not spend the entire day in the sun.  I was particularly thankful for the breeze as it took a bit of the sting out of my skin.  My day had not started with the greatest of ease.  Having spent the weekend in a leisurely fashion, I had not tended to my manscaping for three days, and I was truly due for a shave.  I lathered up and realized it was time for a new razor.  Having now exhausted my imported variety, I opened the package of disposable razors I picked up at the market a few days back.  They look identical to those I have always used back home right down to the packaging.  They do, however, carry a different name.  Back home the brand name is Schick, I believe.  The new razor has a bit more bravado.  I will now be tending to my beard with a Wilkinson Sword.  The name still makes me snort with laughter.  It is not true what they say . . . a dull razor is not near as likely to cleave your jugular as one fresh from the package.  Within moments, Excalibur had torn my face to shreds like a cat attacking a newspaper.  There was blood everywhere.  I was certain that this would be the day I that would die due to severe blood loss.  Like something out of The Highlander, I sliced and diced my way through my morning ritual until there was virtually nothing left of the face I used to recognize.  “There can be only one!”  After the blood letting, I decided that regardless of what their current add campaign may be, the kind folks at Wilkinson need some help in their marketing department.  If the use of the product is going to cause this much bodily harm, the commercial has to be so exceptional as to cause the consumer to forget that they will likely need reconstructive surgery.  I have a couple of great ideas that I would like to share with you now.

The first option is a little bit James Bond and a little bit Shaft.  I am thinking of the actor who played John Coffey in the Green Mile.  I also know him from Armageddon, but we won’t mention that theatrical tragedy.  I picture him in a three piece suit with a gigantic cigar in his hand and his arms wrapped around 4 or 5 extraordinarily hot women.  I think I would have them walking out of a casino in Vegas.  As the group stops to get into their limo, the ladies can’t keep their hands off of his freshly shaven face.  Old John Coffey then looks directly into the camera and says “There’s lots of ways to get your shave on, but the ladies prefer the Wilkinson Sword”.  At this point he smiles and give a pronounce wink.  As his eye closes, I believe there should be a well timed *Bing*.  Then queue the 70’s porn music as the limo drives off into the night.  The second idea is a bit more “Knights of the Round Table”.  I see a heavily armored knight walking into the great hall of a medieval castle to bow before the king.  His armor is bent and rusted from the ravages of war.  He kneels and removes his helmet to reveal a dirty and heavily bearded face.  The king would then pull out an oversized version of the razor and anoint the warrior on each shoulder.  After doing so, with a magical *poof*, the knight would be transformed into a Sir Lancelot type with shining armor, flowing blonde hair and a clean shaven face.  Just then the knight looks over at the camera and gives that same pronounced wink with the accompanying chime while the maidens in the background swoon and give a big sigh as they fan themselves and bat their eyes.  Then, the announcer would come on and say: “From the battlefield to the boardroom, nothing beats a Wilkinson Sword”.

I described my ideas to my lovely wife who is in marketing herself and she seemed unimpressed.  Perhaps it was to snorting laughter and the tears running down my face that failed to catch her fancy.  Either way, I think I am going to package these ideas in story board format and send them to the good people and Wilkinson.  I have some other ideas, but they tend toward the violent and allude to the actual function of the product.  I have some other catchy albeit gruesome tag lines as well, but I will share those with you at a later date.  Right now, I am going to call it a night and hope that the cookie I ate will keep me from feeling light headed and that they gauze bandaging around my neck holds till morning.  Take care.  R.