I PROCLAIM therefore I AM

I am going to let you all in on a dirty little secret your high school guidance counselor didn’t tell you about. You can be anything you want to be in this world through the unparalleled power of self-proclamation. In fact, there is a whole subset of career choices out there based purely on just that . . . choice. For the longest time I have struggled with the idea of calling myself an artist or a writer. Sure I paint and I write, but to what end? I just now realized I have been caught up in an argument of semantics that is of little importance. You are what you say you are. If I say I am a writer and an artist, who is to argue with that fact? In a “Yes Man” epiphany of epic proportions I coined a slogan that I believe could lead to a wonderfully lucrative career in motivational speaking. “If you proclaim it, you just became it.” Brilliant, right? I encourage you all to give this a try, but in the mean time, here is a short list of those things that I proclaim myself to be and a brief description as a primer to get you all started:

Artist: I paint. Easy right? No, I don’t have exhibitions or sell any of my work to paying customers or anything like that, but monetary gain isn’t a requirement in the sweet science of proclamation.

Writer: I write this blog, and I have even gone so far as to pen a couple of chapters of a fictional novel that will probably never see the light of day. Put pen to paper and write a greeting card . . . good enough . . . you’re a writer!

Philanthropist: Now, I don’t have a lot of disposable income to give away to charitable organizations, but if I did . . . I would. Intent is 9/10ths the law of proclamation. Remember that.

Attorney: Ok, that one is a given. Actually have the degree and license to prove it, but I don’t actually practice law, so in a way, I am proclaiming my status as an Attorney in the same way I have proclaimed myself an Artist. Tip number 3: Just because you have a degree or license doesn’t necessarily give you the title . . . you gotta own that shit.

Poet and Hip Hop Pioneer: Nothing to it, just gotta throw down a phat rhyme and there you have it.

Triathlete: I have ridden a bicycle, swam a lap or two in an Olympic pool and even run on occasion. Do these in relative proximity to each other and mark your personal best. Mine is three days, but I think there is room for improvement there. If this doesn’t work for you, you can always fudge it a little and tell people that you are a “Tryathlete” . . . tell them you tried being an athlete, but it just wasn’t your thing.

Rock Guitarist: I own a guitar and have actually held it in my hands. How do you think Jimi Hendrix started? Plus, I am a real badass at Guitar Hero on the Playstation.

Weatherman: Everyday I wake up and throw the window open to assess the ambient temperature and then walk to my children’s room to announce my findings and tell them to dress appropriately. No, I don’t yet own a Doppler Radar, but I have one on backorder at Brookstone.

Sous-chef: This one is a cinch. Pretty much any kitchen I might wander into would cement my claim. You just have to be able to cook SOMETHING and not be bothered by being second best. Works for me.

Exterminator: I have a fly swatter and I know how to use it.

Horse Whisperer: One time I walked right up to a horse and told it to just stand there with a stupid look on its face and what do you know, it did just that.

Body builder: This one should be on everyone’s list. The real question is, what are you building it into?

And this is just the beginning! Imagine what I could proclaim myself to be if I just had a bit more time on my hands! I know, you already think I have too much time on my hands, but if I am not out here thinking this shit up, who is going to? Just added Inventor to the list. See, it’s just that easy! Keep an eye out for my video series and audio cassettes at a Dollar General near you. I will also be available for private speaking engagements later in the year should you feel you need additional one-on-one tutorials. Later. R.