Dangerously Healthy: Ode to John Wayne and the Return of Typhoid Mary

Though we are quite pleased to have Mrs. Butler back home, this does come at a certain price. For those that have a member of their household who engages in a fair amount of travel for work or pleasure, you will be able to attest to that which I am about to describe. In addition to the mountain of laundry that magically appears in every corner of the house, there is an invisible accumulation that seems a more poignant reminder of their return from distant lands. With them they bring dirty socks, trinkets for the kids, and a veritable party...

Lice . . . er . . . Slice of the 19th Century

I bought a 200 year old hat today, though I would wager that upon hearing this news my French acquaintances would congratulate me on the purchase of a “NEW” hat. What remains utterly astonishing to me is how common place this sort of thing is. Even more astonishing is that I have come to expect it. For nothing more than the change that I can shake from beneath my sofa cushions I can purchase many an artifact that predates my country of origin. It sort of staggers the mind doesn’t it? And this, perhaps more than anything we have come to know and...

My raison d'être ate my joie de vivre and the dog ate my homework . . . STUPID DOG

Though I have proposed more romantic alternatives in the past, my true raison d'être in the very literal sense of the phrase is somewhat less poetic if not downright unpleasant at times. My “reason for being” would seem to be a trifecta of responsibility that is unlikely to lead a sane man anywhere close to that ever elusive “joie de vivre”. These responsibilities include, in no particular order of course, maintaining the home in a less than squalid condition so as not to raise the eyebrow of my adoring wife who might then wonder what exactly...

Excuse me Mr. Mouse . . . Have you seen my hairbrush lately?

I must begin today with a bit of a confession. Just this morning, in a whole Jerry Lewis telethon worth of sight gags, trick falls and a variety of other fairly exaggerated flailing maneuvers, I managed to clear nearly all of the products lining our bathroom shelves from their original resting place. The most notable of which happened to be my wife’s favorite “at home” hairbrush which found its way into the gape mouthed clutch of our toilet. A toilet, mind you, that was in fresh repose from my usual morning assault on the three S’s. Fortunately,...

Death by Caterpillar and the Extravagantly Wealthy Toothpaste Artist

Now, I must admit that my appreciation and therefore understanding of the furry variety of caterpillar begins and ends with a childhood recollection that these little guys have the reputation in the insect world as fairly adept meteorologists. Their Nostradamian predictions of future weather patterns are that of folklore and I have always been skeptical of this claim. “Wooly Worms”, as I have always known them, are said to indicate the severity of an oncoming Winter with their fashion come Fall. If they are as hairy as my Uncle Jeb, then the...

My Postman NEVER Rings Twice

Don’t worry, nothing even remotely metaphorical is intended in the title of this post. Mr. Cain’s novel of a similar name is of interest only in the sense that there is some speculation that the reference to the postman may have something to do with awaiting the return of a submitted manuscript and the accompanying anxiety born of the recipient’s anticipation. No, I rather mean this literally and I too feel a certain anxiety when it comes to the mail. Receiving the “Poste” as it is referred to here in France is something of a multi-phased process...

For My Wife

Sean Hayes-When We Fall...

Magically Delicious: It’s the thought that counts!

I would like to begin today with an inquiry. Does ANYBODY know what you do with the hair of the dog that didn’t bite you? I feel like shit. I don’t think I am sick or even coming down with something. None of the traditional signs are there. It feels a whole lot like a hangover without the joy of the night before. My head is pounding and remaining upright seems more trouble than it is worth. I don’t know what it is, but I hope it passes soon. Since I am in this miserable and semi-vegitative state, I thought I would keep myself warm under...

Snakes Ain’t Shit: Becoming a Blog Whore and Other Random Acts of Dissonance

I am sorry to say that the following is a little bit of This and a little bit of That. Sometimes some of the very best stuff gets left out because it doesn’t fit within a certain theme. On occasion, I like to circle back to pick up these orphans in what I like to think of as a “deleted scenes episode”. I am such a fan of this sort of thing that I will absolutely rave over a mediocre film if it contains a bloopers and outtakes reel after the closing credits. Truth be told, I don’t own a blu-ray where this feature hasn’t seen more action than...

I PROCLAIM therefore I AM

I am going to let you all in on a dirty little secret your high school guidance counselor didn’t tell you about. You can be anything you want to be in this world through the unparalleled power of self-proclamation. In fact, there is a whole subset of career choices out there based purely on just that . . . choice. For the longest time I have struggled with the idea of calling myself an artist or a writer. Sure I paint and I write, but to what end? I just now realized I have been caught up in an argument of semantics that is of little importance....

Holy Toledo . . . Sausalito!

To be honest, this was not the content that was meant to be posted today. I half-finished two other pieces before their content became so overbearingly depressing that I had to set them aside. It was a beautiful day outside with a sun so yellow that posting grey content seemed a sacrilege. It should be noted that I just finished eating a nectarine. Actually, “eating” is probably not the appropriate word. To be honest, I made sweet sweet love to this nectarine, savoring every last juicy indulgence until the pit was so clean you could have seen...

When an Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object

This is perhaps my favorite turn of phrase for the evocative way in which it drowns you with mental imagery. It is the mother of all collisions, a fender bender for the ages. It describes a stalemate, a draw, a tie, a deadlock. It is the embodiment of equality. Most of all, for me anyway, it is a description of my marriage. And from my rather primitive understanding of the concept, it is exactly what a marriage SHOULD be. So, can you guess which of us is The Unstoppable Force and which is The Immovable Object. If you have been following...

You May Take Candy From My Baby, Just Don’t Call Me a “Fredneck”

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be.”  Edgar Allen Poe said that, but then he would know, wouldn’t he. The things we say and simultaneously don’t say fascinate me.  Mark Twain expressed a similar sentiment when he said “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug”.  And still I write, though clearly there is a part of me that is hesitant in my craft. ...

Motherless Child: Fighting HuMAN Nature

Once again I am in the middle of a two week long absence from my spouse.  You would think that by now I would be fairly accustomed to it, yet it still hits me every once in a while how tremendously difficult it really is.  By now, it is no longer the chore of cooking every meal or even mediating the seemingly constant brotherly discord that makes the task so taxing.  In shedding away the layers, I have finally found out why it remains so difficult for me to adjust.  No matter how hard I try or how in touch with my feminine...

My Phoenix is NOT in Arizona: Champaign Problems and a Teachable Moment

It has taken the better part of a week now to even remotely digest the change our life has taken nearly overnight.  I know not the depth and breadth of this change, but a change it will be.  I spent the better part of Saturday night lying sleepless in my bed as the clan next door toasted their nuptials until somewhere around 5 a.m.  It was the wedding of a cousin, I believe, and the guest list was at least 400 based upon the decibel count.  With festivities in full swing I assumed the cheering and window shaking bass beat to...

Fathering the “Little Moments”

This is the first time I have really mapped out what I was going to say with any sort of editorial frame of mind.  I say “mapped out” only in the vaguest sense, meaning that I have the next five posts in rough draft form in my head and have already set their titles in print.  This will likely mean that the next few posts won’t be worth a damn, so if you have been following along and need a break, now is the time to take it.  Life seems to have picked up its pace again and my head is spinning with all the dizzying force of the tilt-a-whirl...