Celebrating Men’s Day with a Broken Pussy

Happy Men’s Day to you all.  I was given a warm Men’s Day greeting from my wife this morning in response to an emergency call regarding animal health.  We will get to the medical tragedy soon enough, but first a word about Men’s Day.  The wife wished me well without a shred of understanding of the holiday, but I have done my research.  It appears that “Men’s Day” is a Russian holiday celebrating the formation of the Red Army in 1918.  During the Russian Civil War and on the heels of the Bolshevik revolution, Lenin believed...

From Russia with Love . . . Death of my Beloved 206

доброе утро!   That is apparently “good morning” in Russian sayeth the fine folks at Google.  Damned glad we moved to France rather than Siberia.  As you know, the wife has spent the better part of the week in Moscow chasing down her career while the gents and I have held down the fort here in France.  Fearing that our emotional condition was wavering a bit, I had arranged an outing to visit some friends in the center of Bordeaux.  We were looking forward to the visit and each of us seemed overly excited to be getting...

Insane in the Membrane . . . Gone Insane, Got Propane!

Whatever happened to Cypress Hill anyway?  Probably all working at a Quickie Mart by now and destined for an MTV Rockumentary of some kind in the near future.  The “where are they now” programs always illicit a hearty giggle or two on my part.  Nothing like seeing a woeful fall from grace for those one hit wonders that rode the ignorant pop culture wave into stardom.  Somehow they all seem to have the same back story.  They came from nothing, wagered their fame and income on some two bit agent and end up penniless and...

ProPAIN and Cellophane

I now suspect that propane delivery will be a sneak attack.  I have prepared armed sentries to keep a 24 hour vigil to ensure that the gas bandit doesn’t pass us by like a thief in the night.  I can think of only two possible scenarios.  The propane man is either a Ninja with ulterior motives or he has been hijacked by some gas hoarding loony somewhere between here and there.  Regardless of the reason for the delay, the inconvenience is starting to wear on my nerves.  We have kept as warm as possible and the increase...

Life in HiFi

Arriving at the school house with a bit of time to spare I began dicking around with the EQ settings on my IPod and recently acquired car stereo in an effort to elicit the most pleasing tonal qualities from my favorite mix tape.  In doing so I ran across one of life’s great truths.  We all suffer from split personalities.  No one can deny that the person you are at work is far from a mirror image of that person you allow yourself to be within the security of your own home.  Beyond the comfort afforded in being surrounded by...

Jean-Claude Van . . . DAMN: Waffles, Schtroumpfs and a COLD Valentine’s Day

Color me mistaken.  With Smurfs on the brain, I entered into a weekend worth of social engagement on a mission.  Sharing the company of old and new friends alike, I was certain I would unravel the mysteries of the Schtroumpf.  I was not disappointed and I must now eat crow a bit in printing a slight retraction.  It would indeed seem that  the Smurfs, as I have always known them, are in reality Schtroumpfs.  They are the brain child of a Belgian cartoonist and the strip was originally written in French.  The...

Papa Schtroumpf’s Miraculous Metaphors

Schtroumpf.  This is the overly complicated French translation for “Smurf”.  Need there be a French translation for “Smurf”?  What can “Smurf” possibly mean in the French language that would make it necessary to utilize this moniker that more closely resembles the name of a bacterial infection than a jolly blue cartoon character?  “Oh my, did you here about poor John Smith? . . . (in a whispering voice) . . . He’s got the Schtroumpf”.  Could “Smurf” be a French euphemism for Vagina?  If you were to call someone a...

Me and my 206: This year’s love revisited

She has seen me through good times and bad.  She has overlooked wrong turns and poor judgment.  Many months have now passed since I chose my date for the prom.  I looked passed the athletic physique of the cheerleading squad and turned my ear away from the captain’s siren song.  I ignored the gentle curves and tempting advances made by the homecoming queen.  In a sea of possibilities I chose the girl at the back of the room.  Quiet and reserved, she sat there casting judgmental stares at the other contestants. ...

Parent-Teacher Confrontation and Why Eskimos Don’t Have Sex

Bienvenue a hiver!  The weekend brought with it a rare visit from old man winter and more than just a dusting of snow.  So much more, in fact, that school has been cancelled and the wife is returning home with the children after a failed attempt at our usual morning commute.  Our home is proving to be more igloo than tropical hut as the temperatures plummet below the sub-freezing mark.  Getting oneself ready for bed and experiencing daily life in a frontier manner is an eye opener.  I have always been fascinated by programming about...

My Cat the Art Critic and How I Met Your Mother

I desire to revisit the past, but I absolutely hate how dry chronological history can be.  So, with that in mind, we are going to skip around a bit.  The real purpose of this is not to outline a story of my life, but rather to define my life by those things that are important about my past.  A short list of those things which have led me here and what it is I can learn from them as I attempt to take educated and enlightened steps into the future.  I will write a great portion of this entry as though it were a conversation between...

Social Indignity: Manscaping your Network

Depressed?   Get a haircut.  Perhaps it is nothing more than the natural consequence of being folicly challenged, but getting what’s left of my hair cut has a profound effect on my emotional wellbeing.  I woke this morning in an absolutely foul mood.  A feeling of deep depression had me pinned to my cot.  The warm blankets seemed my only protection against the cold realities of my day.  Up with the sun on a day I need not be, forced to face another day of domestic plentitude.  More laundry than one man...