A Nice Day for a White Wedding (Part 2)

There is a vague awareness tucked in the back of my mind that is an interesting thought to ponder.  During my entire time back in the US, I had not even a glimmer of my usually compulsive need to write.  This seems notable on two fronts.  First, an eventual move back “home” might well bring an end to my fledgling career as a writer.  Second, I realized that the reason I write is to share the voice that is usually stifled by a formidable language barrier.  When in my native tongue I finally feel like myself again, capable of expressing my thoughts and dreams to others in spoken form rather than by way of the flashing cursor on this white blank page.  Pouring forth my thoughts in verbal format makes for one last interesting revelation, I HAVE CHANGED.  For most of the week, I felt utterly compelled to reach out to anyone unlucky enough to lock eyes with me.  This need for discourse is an interesting byproduct of our time here in France.  As it turns out, it isn’t the “French” experience that has had the most profound effect on my life, but rather the experience of solitude.  Perhaps we could have saved ourselves some expense and simply moved to a cabin in the woods for two years and lived “off the grid” as they say.  That being said, I now understand the plight of the Monk.  Personal enlightenment is more easily found during periods of intense sensory deprivation.  When one finally returns to the everyday, it is like being reborn.  Fresh eyes meet the world, and all that you have learned through isolation is put into action.  The results are astounding.

Strangely enough, after writing the preceding paragraph, I let this post sit over the weekend to contemplate.  During that time, I continued my study on the upcoming Camino trip and pushed toward the half-way point in the book I am currently reading on a related subject.  This author too noted the strangeness one encounters when viewing their former world with new eyes.  In his case this was by way of a return to civilization after a long trek through the wilderness.  In my case, it is born of a different breed of isolation, but the lessons are the same.  Perhaps this is one thing that I WON’T learn during my pilgrimage down “The Field of Stars”.  More on that later.  I found the correlation between the author’s experience and my own to be quite refreshing and for the first time in months I was TRULY thankful for our life in France which had in recent weeks seemed a burden.  I was right, I HAVE CHANGED, and perhaps for the better I might add.  I certainly feel as though some great lessons have been taught and I am slowly catching up with them as time goes by.  I am, I fear, a slow learner.  Or maybe that is the way of all great teachings, sudden discovery after hours of seemingly mindless strife and struggle.  Mr. Miyagi knew that, and now so do I.  Wax on . . . Wax off . . . Breathe in . . . Breathe Out  . . . Focus Daniel San!

Well, as is my usual manner, I have prattled on for paragraphs without getting much of anywhere.  This seldom goes unnoticed by the wife who found my last entry to be a complete mess.  I am starting to understand why a lot of great writers have secluded themselves in cabins in some forgotten wood.  Perhaps it wasn’t to seek the inspiration that I spoke of just moments ago, but simply a way to get away from their far too practical wife . . . nag, nag, nag.  She did have a point though.  The title of the entry seems mis-leading.  How can I write a piece about a wedding and never actually mention the wedding.  Touche Mon Cheri!  So, let’s get down to the meat and potatoes for those that have been reading along feeling in desperate need of the same dose of reality that my wife likes to see in my posts.  The wedding was a lovely affair of Purple and Orange.  The bride and groom a vision of youthful love and lasting affection.  It was a simple outdoor ceremony with a rustic nostalgia that certainly warmed my heart a bit.  This was afterall, the kind of thing I had really been missing in my heart of hearts.  My visit was a well-kept surprise for my brother and his lovely new wife, and I was absolutely honored when they asked that I have an impromptu role in the ceremony.  I did my best not to sully their special day with my incompetence and social retardation.  I even remembered not to eat with my hands or wipe my mouth on my sleeve.  What more could they ask for really?  And really, aside from the Ambulance and Fire Truck arriving to assist an elderly member of the groom’s family who had perhaps had a stroke during the reception, the whole evening seemed to me to be a great success.  That sort of reminds me that I really need to check in to see if that gal came out alright.

As I watched the bride and groom dance their first dance and wander through their evening in the haze that most of us encounter on our wedding day, I couldn’t help but think back to the few memories that weren’t a complete blur from my own wedding some 12 years ago.  I envied them really, just starting out.  A long road ahead full of twists and turns that will lead to unexpected locations and a life they didn’t imagine when they started out together.  I envied them the way an old dog envies a pup.  Fresh faced and full of vigor.  And these two, oh these two are going places.  They have the entire world in the palm of their hand.  Adventurous to a fault and braver than I by a long shot.  They are impressive beyond words and I feel humbled by their grace and wisdom that is well beyond their years.  And just like that, I realized that I had not come for them.  Sure, from the outside, some would see it a long way to travel when it was certainly not expected.  Both would have certainly forgiven my absence and my presence didn’t really add anything to the event.   Their wedding and their marriage will be a success regardless of the guest list and table settings.  Sure, I wanted to be there for them on this landmark moment in their lives and they in turn pleased to have me, but my true reason for attending was actually fairly selfish indeed.  I needed to be there for . . . ME.  I needed to feel connected again.  I needed to feel as though I wasn’t slipping off the back side of the globe, away from family and friends that too often feel so damned far away.  Gone but not forgotten.  I needed to be reminded.  I needed to be there for this event to make up for two years of missed birthdays and anniversaries, holidays and nurseries.  In my life, I have really been terribly poor at keeping my focus on the importance of those around me. 

I am perhaps as guilty of neglect as anyone could be when it comes to the relationships that I truly value.  I am selfish and self-centered and in many ways lack a certain warmth of feeling.  Aloof is probably an apt description.  I don’t cry at funerals and generally stray from the emotional in favor of the practical.  Perhaps a strange sentiment coming from an artist or a writer, but therein lies the key.   One does not need to be terribly emotional to be sentimental.  Perhaps a matter of semantics, or maybe something more?  Emotion is that which is played in the present for those that live in the now.  Sentiment strikes those who live like me, in the future yet to come.  And though my feelings are seldom shown when a moment comes to pass, each will receive its own due one day . . . in my memories of the past.  And so, I needed to make amends.  Be there when it mattered.  Share in the present to make up for the past.  I was fortunate to have the opportunity to do so, and thank my long suffering wife and two wonderful children for allowing me the time away.  And a hearty good luck to my brother and his beautiful bride.  Marriage is like a wild winding river.  There will be rapids with exhilarating highs and frighteningly dark lows when the horizon dips in and out of your vision in a frustrating flash.  There will be long pools of endless still water when your heart will grow restless.  There will be splits and bends and decisions you must follow.  Just remember to paddle on opposite sides of the boat and you will continue on your travels.  Cheers.  R