Easy as ABC and 123

As you can well imagine, scholastic pursuits are never too far from our dinner conversation.  With two children valiantly attempting to conquer a second language, we continually pour over dictionaries and school books in an effort to help them deal with the dismal truth that they are stuck with immigrant parents.  Until a certain age, all children believe that mom and dad know “everything” and trying not to burst their bubble with our ignorance is a full time job.  Our eldest’s intellect is frightening, and trying to keep up with the cornucopia of philosophical questions coming out of that kid’s mouth is beginning to give me heartburn.  It is hard to accept sometimes that he is but 9 years of age.  His personality grows by the day and his ability to call bullshit on an answer is truthfully painful.  Now, I am generally an absolute font of completely useless information and am able to hold my own with the best of them in a solid game of Trivial Pursuit.  I also pride myself on thinking quickly on my feet, so I am seldom stumbled by one of his brain teasers.  The wife however, was the unlucky recipient of one of his recent queries.  He wanted to know why the grading scale in school is A, B, C, D and F.  What about “E”?  The wife admitted defeat and advised him that she wasn’t sure.  She later asked me the question and I of course didn’t miss a beat.  F is a Freaking Failure.  D is Deplorable, C is Crappy, B is Better and A is Amazing.  So why not E?  It's simple, E isn’t used because of a lack of available negative adjectives to describe scholastic imperfection.  The only one I could come up with was Excrament.  Telling little Johnny that his school work is Shit seems a bit worse than a simple failure.  Now, I would of course never give my eldest this half-assed explanation as he would instantaneously see right through the charade.  It is a brilliant question, however,  and unfortunately  the best answer I could find seems ambiguous at best.  It would appear that some educational systems do in fact use the “E” standard for a conditional failure.  Some would seem to argue that the “F” is used only as a throw back to an antiquated pass/fail system, leaving “E” out in the cold.  I myself have always hated the term “failure” as it isn’t appropriate in all scholastic contexts.  My most recent scholastic endeavor, now years in the past, being my triumphant passage of the Bar Examination is a grand example of what I am talking about.  Graded on a pass/fail, it is a terrible blow to one’s self confidence to be called a failure when you fell just a point or two short of success.  The truth is, you don’t FAIL, you just don’t pass. Beating your psyche to a pulp over such an arbitrary label is ridiculous.   And so, I believe it is time to rise up against the establishment and shake off the traditional grading system for something that is a little less ethereal.

I believe we should get back to the county fair for an appropriate answer to this dilemma.  An “A” as we now know it should be listed as “First Prize”.  A “B” would then be called the “Runner Up”.  The average “C” rating could be a nice “Honorable Mention”.  A woeful “D” would get the “Participation” award.  And finally, “F” . . . a bit tougher, but perhaps a “Disqualified” would do nicely.  Ok, maybe this isn’t workable afterall.  It all sort of stinks of the softening of our culture that plays out in youth athletics these days.  Not everybody should get a ribbon or a trophy.  You know what second place is?  FIRST LOSER.  That right, lets quit sugar coating the world and get down to it.  There was an old saying in law school that “A” students became teachers, “B” students became judges, and “C” students became rich.  Perhaps not a lesson for the “real” world, but maybe there is something here we can hang our hats upon.  Maybe we can attach professions to the letters to give them some weight and provide some reasonable expectations for those receiving said marks.  How about  “A” for Anesthesiologist or Aerospace Engineer;  “B” Bartender or Bellhop   ;  “C” Cosmetologist or Cab Driver ; “D” for  Dancer (of the Exotic Variety) or Drug Dealer; and “F” for Fry cook.  No, that isn’t going to work either I am afraid.  True, the generous skew toward the top would certainly make many strive for top marks, but stereotyping strippers is unfair and I for one appreciate their hard work and dedication.  So, where does that leave us?  Drop the ABCs entirely and go for the truth.  E, A, S, D, I:  Exceptional, Average, Simpleton, Dullard, Idiot.  If you have a preference for dumbing it down and rating a “C” student as “Average” then we can modify this to E, C, A, D, I:  Exceptional, Competent, Average, Dullard and Idiot.  If anyone has any better ideas, I would be glad to hear them.  For now I guess we will continue on with the meaningless A,B,C s of achievement and skillfully dodge those questions from future generations with a swift “because” and leave it at that.  But dad, why is the sky blue?  “Because” son, now shut up and eat your vegetables.  That is all I have for today and God willing this will get the wife off of my back since my lack of recent activity has not gone unnoticed.  Pray for me.  R.