Day 149

The Artist and The Alchemist:  Waking from a 30+ year slumber to find that All Things Converge into One.

When does one call themselves an “artist”.  Is it when someone pays him for his works or is it that moment that he realized that this is what he is meant to do with his life regardless of payment?  I know now that I AM an “artist”.  Not in the narrow sense of painting or writing, but in global “meaning of life” way that having a religious awaking helps you finally realize.  That is correct, I said “religious awakening”.  No, I have not turned into a Bible thumping nut job, but I do now firmly believe that my God is trying to talk to me.  He/She has been trying for some time now, but only in the last day or two have I had the clarity to listen.  I have been reading a book.  No, not the Bible or L. Ron Hubbard’s crazy ass alien manifest, but a simple 200 page novel.  This is relatively unusual for me.  As with the rest of my life, I am a “doer” not a “watcher”.  I would prefer to write rather than read.  I have always been this way and it is just one of the ways in my life that I have always found myself outside the norm.  I have utter contempt for the jug heads that sit in front of their TV and scream at athletes and coaches alike as if the person can hear their objections through the screen.  I have always wanted to ask them, “If you know so much about the game, why aren’t you out there playing it or coaching it instead of sitting on your fat ass in front of the boob tube with Cheeto stains on your wife beater?”  How does one so invest their own self-worth in the outcome of a match or game that they have no personal ability to affect the outcome of?  I am likely a sporty a guy as I know, but you won’t ever find my following professional or collegiate sports.  Nor will you find me spouting off stats about some kid’s rookie season.  I would prefer to play the game.  I would prefer to use the skill that I have to make my own statistics.  That isn’t to say that I don’t admire those that have more ability than I possess, but I don’t then feel it necessary to make them an object of affection.  This being my way, I find it difficult to sit and read others thoughts, rather than formulate my own.  For me, this book is different.  That is not intended to be blasphemous or offensive to those that worship the Bible.  In no way am I “worshiping” anything.  Reading this novel has simply helped add clarity and focus to the random thoughts that have always been floating around my head regarding my personal belief on the meaning of life.  The subject of the book is the pursuit of happiness and the writing is profound and I have found a startling similarity to the sentiments found in its pages and my own outlook on life.  In our daily lives, we tend to shove these grand thoughts aside so as to have the time to tend to the daily necessities.  The question is, are these really the necessities that we need to be focusing on?  I have been given a rare opportunity in my life to follow a path that many dream of.  A life with few limits and fewer restrictions.  Without the pressures of the “norm” weighing me down, I am free to roam.  I am free to think.  I am free to be an artist, a writer, a philosopher or even a poet.  I am free to ponder those things that drive men insane and be better for the insanity.  Always curious of what it all means, (am I awake or am I asleep and what does it all mean in the end) I have sought refuge in the knowledge that my daily life does not allow for such fanciful musings.  Truthfully, I find that there are a regrettable few that actually examine their lives in great detail.  Perhaps this is out of a sense of self preservation, for if one dwells on the subject too long, it will likely lead to madness.  Many are willing to settle on a brand of faith inherited from their family without further reflection.  Some reject the notion entirely in favor of empirical measure and cold hard facts.  I am neither of these.

I believe there is a meaning to life and that there is a driving force.  I refer to this driving force as God, but it goes by many names across the world.  I do not particularly care for labels and believe in the universal.  There are truths in the world.  Things that we know without being told.  Don’t believe me?  Spend an afternoon with a small child.  Watch them.  Learn from them.  You will be surprise what you see.  Sure, you can argue that socialization has a lot to do with their actions, but there is an underlying knowledge of truth that remains in a child that has yet to be clouded by preconceptions developed in adulthood.  Preconceptions that have been well taught and often overshadow our understanding of life that we all had when we were children.  It is only these universal truths that bind us.  It is these universal truths that make us the same.  In every other way, we are all different, and have different purposes to our lives.  The only real question is then, what is that purpose?  Who am I meant to be, what am I meant to do?  If there is a purpose, a design, does that mean I don’t have free will?  I can’t choose who I will be and what I will do?  For me, that is a very difficult pill to swallow if that is in fact the case.  We are ALL meant to abide by the universal truths and I personally believe we all have a meaning to fulfill in our lives.  That is not to say however, that we don’t have the will to choose another path.  In fact, it is often much easier to follow a different path than carry forth to discover and in turn fulfill the meaning of your life.  Perhaps for some it is easier to follow a different path.  Perhaps some are too scared to pursue what they know is right.  Maybe it is just the need to be arbitrary that prevents us from following our dreams.  Whichever the case, we all have a finish line.  A place we are meant to go.  A race we are meant to win.  The question is, do you know what that is?  Some folks are lucky enough to stumble onto it blindly without thought or self-reflection.  Are they the lucky ones?  Perhaps, or maybe they just never grew up.  They still have that kid inside of them that knows what they are meant to do.  I myself have taken the more difficult route.  I have long ago dismissed that child like purity and clouded my thoughts with what I thought to be life’s lessons.  The truth of the matter is, my “life lessons” were simply the result of my pushing against that which I am meant to do.  For the longest time I have had a sense in my life that I am being led somewhere to do something.  There have been signs, but I have for the most part dismissed them as coincidence or as self made.  I have always had grand thoughts, but was always too prideful and often made those thoughts my aim.  There are signs all around us, leading us where we need to go, if we are just willing to listen.  And it is in this way that I believe God speaks to us all.  So, let me take you on a wild journey as to how I came to this spot.  You can dismiss it as coincidence or you can take from it an ounce of entertainment, either way, it is part of who I am and where I am, so I think it worth sharing.

Yesterday evening, with thoughts of the meaning of my life weighing heavily on my mind, I settled into a chair in the living room to work on some French homework with the kids.  The wife bought us flash cards as a game to work on our language skills.  In doing so, I had to search through our pocket French Dictionary left by the very man that gave me the book I referenced earlier.  In looking through the book for a definition, I ran across the word “Carrefour”.  This is the name of a prominent supermarket chain that we do a fair amount of our shopping at.  I hadn’t taken a moment from my days to assume that this word has an underlying meaning.  It is just the name of the damned supermarket.  Really, who puts much thought into that?  The meaning of the word hit me like a bolt of lightening.  “Carrefour” in the French language means “Crossroads”.  Clever name for a market, I thought, but given my state of mind I found the meaning to be quite startling.  For some time now I have known myself to be at a crossroads in my life.  It is afterall, one of the reasons we embarked on this grand adventure to start with.  The loss of a career.  The reversal of fortune and bent gender norms that is my marriage to my wonderful wife.  Her understanding that perhaps I am meant for something more.  Something I have yet to find.  Even more profound still is that I found this definition in a book left behind by the same man that sent me the novel I am now reading.  Two books gifted from the same source.  One by choice, the other simply left behind.  Both leading me to this word that has haunted me for months.  This was to be the last in a line of “omens” that has lead me out darkness and into enlightenment.  I look back over the past several months and can now see that the signs have been leading me.  Leading me forward.  I have been patient in this process.  Trying to find what it is that I am to do next.  Perhaps my wife knew this long before I became aware.  She knew I was on my way toward something and needed this break to find it.  My ability to express myself through this written media has blossomed as has my endeavor into painting.  As with my writing, my painting is now free flowing.  Brush strokes and life become more carefree and yet still finding their mark.  Seeming mistakes turning into genius before my eyes.  Things going my way when I certainly don’t deserve them to.  Sitting at a stop light and having green put a smile on my face.  Finding the next with the Anarchy symbol over red and the Peace sign over green.  It is time to move forward.  It is time for me to start listening.  GO!

It has been those things that I have truly desired in my life that have been met with the least resistance.  Beginners luck.  A wonderful wife, two healthy children, a chance to live an inspired story.  I have always approached these things in my life with the attitude of “what is meant to be, will be”.  It used to be just something I would to say to relieve my anxiety over big decisions in life and mask my desire for certain wishes to come true.  I have learned not to put a time table on these dreams, and they have all come true.  Why?  Have my father’s words been true all along?  Is it better to be lucky than good?  Yes, I think so.  Lucky not in the sense of a wishing well, but in the sense that when you truly want something and are trying to fulfill the meaning to your life, events transpire in your favor.  I believe this to be true.  It is simply that force pushing you forward, toward that which you were meant to do and that which you were meant to be.  Over the past several months, these signs have been everywhere in my life.  Some more obvious than others, but they have always been there.  I am meant to be an Artist, both with a pen and a brush.  Will either lead to monetary prosperity?  Likely not, but it is the path I know I must follow.  For now I am content with the knowledge that I will continue to be guided on my journey and that the signs are there for me to follow.